Getting off the Path

I spent most of Sunday and Monday in a ball of tears. Just sadness overflowing all over my face. Then on Tuesday I had to suck it up and go to work. I don't share much of my personal life at work. A few things here and there. I work with 2 of the most obnoxious men on the planet in a cafe kitchen. The fact that I am weepy over my daughter moving out is not something they care about. And it's my personal stuff anyway. But, at the end of the day, I was texting with my daughter and she had the day off and wanted to come over in the evening to spend time with me. That literally made my day!! She and I have been working our way through "Sex and the City" together. It was wonderful to hang out with her and listen about her day and all the things going on during the 3 days I haven't seen her. It made my heart full and then I felt like I could take on the week. She came over last night for a bit and hugged me for a long time.

I wrote the following post in 2013 when our son, then 17, was starting to spread his wings. We had a rough few years after that post was written. His way of severing himself from the nest was full of heartache and frustration. He not only wanted to sever his dependency on his parents, he wanted to obliterate everything between us. As I look back on his adolescence, I see where my grip on him was perhaps too tight. Being the first child and all, you tend to over-parent, then look back and wonder why those things were so important to micromanage. He moved out and, really, never looked back for a year. We hardly saw him, hardly heard from him, and it broke me.

Right before my daughter moved out, she was being quite the little shit to me. Which made her moving out, when she did, super hard on me. She wasn't nearly as horrible as her brother had been, but it was hurtful. So I took a step back in order to not let things happen the way they did with her brother. I didn't want her to move out and never look back. So I took a lesson from my parenting arsenal and just stepped back and away and let her be. Reminding myself the whole time that this is what kids are supposed to do....break free and move into their own path. I have to get off the path.

So finding this post was really timely for me. Although I did step back, I didn't always follow my own advice and frequently got "on the path". Now that my son is living with us again for a few months, his perspective on his life before he moved has been interesting. We've had quite a few really meaningful talks. He told us that after he moved out on his own and had so many hardships he had to overcome himself, he realized how much we had done for him and how grateful he was for us as his parents. That meant the world to me.

This post was called "Un-parenting our 17 year old" and it's from 2/1/2013:

My son is 17. He's a really good kid. I am very proud of him. He's funny, sensitive, witty, kind, sincere, handsome, gentlemanly and smart. Of course, these are just a few of his qualities. I spend nearly every day, all day with him and have since I started homeschooling him in 7th grade. I enjoy having him home with me. He's fun.
Of course, he's a lot like other teens who are nearing adulthood. He desires his autonomy and to be treated like a grown-up. Lately I've wondered when parenting ends. Not motherhood, mind you....parenting. I know there are a lot of parents out there who continue to parent and micromanage their kids once they are adults. I also know a lot of parents who just quit parenting during the teen years because it became too hard to deal with. Both are extremes, of course. I fall somewhere in the middle and float between. There are days when it seems like everything we've taught him, he's forgotten. Ugh. Those days drive me nuts. And then there are days when all the stars and planets align and I think to myself, "Man! He's gonna be a tremendous man!"
Lately, though, my husband and I tried an experiment. We'd been having some really tough days with Scout pushing boundaries. It felt like he was really chopping away at the proverbial umbilical cord. I found myself feeling more like a nag than a mother. It wasn't that he was doing anything "bad", he was just testing and pushing. Normal stuff, but tiring nonetheless. My husband and I talked and came to several conclusions:

1. He's really learned all he's going to from us. We've had him his whole life. He knows the rules. He knows the expectations. If he hasn't learned by now, well.......
2. He's a really good kid. I mean, REALLY good kid. He's a rule follower, respectful, and has a good head on his shoulders. He's never in trouble and he always chooses really good friends.
3. Perhaps it's time to test our parenting while he's still "in the nest". We need to be confident in how we've raised him and no better time to test that than the present when, should he falter, the consequences aren't a detrimental as they might be in the world.

So we began "un-parenting". I simply stopped parenting him. What I mean is, his behavior, words, and day to day choices became his own. Of course I still asked him to do his part around the house, but only asked him once. If there was an issue between his sisters and him, I let them deal with it. (Unless of course it got out of hand, then I did, but it rarely does.) His time management became his own regarding his college class he's taking. I didn't remind him to do his homework or to study for tests. If I needed things from him, I spoke to him as if he was another fellow adult. I asked him if he had the time, would he be able to _______________. He just became  a fellow adult in the house.
You know what happened? He rose to the occasion. All the things I used to nag at him to do or say or whatever, he just did on his own without my reminder. He became accountable for himself without me asking. He was more helpful and more respectful. He even.....are you sitting down?......defended me to his sisters one day. Told them they needed to obey. I know, right? It was very cool.
It's been fun to watch. Fun to see our young man be the person we've been training him to be. Of course, he's not perfect and I'm sure once he's out in the real world, he'll have his challenges just like everyone else. This time of un-parenting has really released me, in a way, to become a friend to my son and to see that what I've worked so hard for is coming to fruition. It makes me feel more confident about launching him into the world.

Hindsight, Empty Nest, and Grief

Hindsight, as a mother, is something I struggle with now that my children are leaving the nest. I just don't know how we got here so fast. One day they were all little, running around barefoot in the backyard, playing with the dogs....the next day I am helping one of them move into their first apartment and saying good-bye to what was.

All I ever wanted to be when I was a child was a mother. I had dreams of having a large family. 8 kids was my magical number. :) Infertility took much of that dream away, but I was given 3 gifts...my son and my 2 daughters. I dove into motherhood with ferocity. I loved every moment. I cherished every hug and kiss and crayon colored love note. I made mistakes. I agonized over decisions. I cried. I hugged. I loved. I cheered and encouraged. I cooked and baked and sewed. I was there for every moment. And then one day led to the next and the next and now...they are all grown up and I am facing a deep abyss of loneliness.

I miss my children.

No, they are not far, no they are not lost. They are just not children. They are grown ups living their own lives in their own ways. I do not see them every day. I don't always hear from them every day. I'm very proud of who they have grown to be...but I miss them. I miss her laughter. I miss her playing the piano. I miss his quick wit and nutty sense of humor. I miss summers together and camping adventures. I miss the daily hugs and conversations while I make dinner. I miss helping them with schoolwork and showing them how to do things. I miss it all...every single moment I had when they were growing up. I miss it.

As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face and I'm blowing copious amounts of snot into Kleenex. For many of us, empty nest is a loss felt with enormous grief. I am grieving the loss of those precious years raising my beautiful children. I grieve the quick passage of time. It could have slowed down a bit. Then I begin to wonder if I cherished it enough....did I take the time I should have for each of them? Did I hug them enough? Did they get enough time with me one on one? Did I listen well enough? Did they get enough encouragement? Do they know, deeply enough inside of themselves, that their mother loves every last molecule of their being and thinks the universe revolves around them?

In hindsight, I know there are things I could have done differently. I see mistakes I made as flashing red lights of "oh shit, why did I do that?" Emotion kicks in and regret washes over me, then ration kicks in and reminds me that I'm only human and no parent is perfect. My husband keeps reminding me that no child could have asked for a better mother. I know in my heart that I loved each of my kids to the point of exhaustion sometimes. I wanted each moment of their lives to be wonderful. But why did it have to go by so quickly? I'm not ready! I'm not done! I was just getting started! I'm so wise and weathered! I could do it again and be even better at it!

All this to say, I am grieving. I cry a lot. I walk a fine line between letting her have her space and wanting to text her every moment of the day to see how she's doing on her own. I try very hard not to always wish him a "good day at work" too much. I try to take the moments I have with them and absorb it into my skin so it will last until they come by again. When they come over, I try very hard not to smother them with hugs that take just a few seconds too long. And at the very same time, I try not to smother the one remaining child in the nest. Clinging to her like a life vest. Grasping at time with her in a needy greedy way. I walk a fine line between crazy, clingy mom and healthy, easy-going, go-with-the-flow mom. It's a war inside my head as these 2 women duke it out for supremacy.

I don't really know where to go from here.

I'm bringing crafty back...

This time of year, I settle in for a long winter with crafts. I am a felt crafter. I love to make things out of felt. The past 2 falls I've made table runners for the holidays. 2 years ago I made this one for Halloween:



Last year I made this one for Thanksgiving...


This year, I making this one for The Holidays:



Now, generally, I look on Pinterest for ideas. I'm not entirely artistic or creative in coming up with my own ideas, but generally, I will find something I like and making something *similar*. I will either print out coloring book outlines for certain pattern pieces, or draw my own. The Halloween one is nearly identical to the one I found online:



This one was being sold on Ebay. The Thanksgiving one I made slightly different:



I usually try to make them look similar, but as I don't have exact pattern pieces, they come out unique with my own flare to them. As with the winter holiday table runner, it will look similar, but will have my own touches. I bought sparkly, black felt so the night sky will look twinkly. I'm pretty sure my snowflakes will be completely different and honestly, I'm not sure how it's going to be cutting snowflakes out of felt. My tree will be different and I have an old shirt of my husband's for the snowman's hat fabric. :)

This table runner should keep me busy for a month or so, and then I'll switch to finishing my another project I've been working on for a couple years now: My Tardis with 12 Doctors! And now I'll have to make the 13th and SHE'S a woman! YAY!

Power Outages, Emergency Preparedness, and why I didn't get to watch Outlander last night.

As I settled in, last night, to watch the season premier of Outlander, we had a major power outage. I heard 3 gunshot type sounds, then total darkness. I reached for my cell phone to call the power company and report the outage, then went outside to see if I could see what might have happened. That's when I heard emergency vehicles coming close. Many people in our neighborhood started to get in their cars to see what happened, so my daughter and I did too. Turns out, someone ran into a power pole.

 

Our friends live at the top of the street where this happened. They were having dinner when they thought a bomb had gone off outside their house. They discovered the wreckage. The woman was drunk and she had a child in the car with her. Our friend said she was arrested and child protective services came for the child. It took the power company 4 hours to restore power to 1370 homes. Ours included.

After 2 hours, I got worried. See, in Idaho, Idaho Power is the power company and outages like this only last a max of an hour. They are really on the ball. PGE, here in Oregon, is not so great. Sorry, not sorry to say that. In the winter, power outages can last days to a week. This is unacceptable in my opinion. Now, all that to say, I know that's quite the "first world problem". But when you have $100s of food in your fridge and freezer that could go bad because the power company can't get their shite together...well...that's when I get a wee bit bunchy.

Luckily, we are always prepared for emergencies. We have a generator. We bought it last winter because EVERYTHING in our rental is electric. From the heat to the appliances. Nothing on natural gas at all. We'd had a very bad winter last winter and power outages were a real threat. So we bought a generator that would at least be powerful enough to keep our fridge and freezer going for as long as we needed. As for heat, we had alternative sources too. BUT, there was one problem. My husband went out of town last night and hadn't taught me how to operate the generator. (I know, I know.) So I had him on the phone so he could help me get it operational. I got it going. It was out on the back deck, so I slept on the couch in case it should stop or something. I mean, who knew how long the power would be out? After 2 hours, the generator just stopped. I had a really hard time being able to tell if it was out of gas in the dark. I had flashlight and lantern, but it wasn't enough light to really tell. So I got into the garage for a gas can and started to top it off when the power came on. 

When I woke up this morning, I got to thinking about how I get very comfortable letting my husband be the only person with certain knowledge about certain things. I'm not totally un-self-sufficient. I can be quite resourceful and am able to survive quite nicely without creature comforts. But last night was a clear indication that I can't leave some operations information to only 1 person. It's important that not only I know how to operate certain emergency procedures, but also my kids. In talking to my husband on the phone this morning, we both agree that it's time for some emergency preparedness training for everyone, not just the parents, nor one adult. 

I am happy to say that none of this was life threatening for me and the whole experience showed a great hole in my knowledge base that needs to be filled. So this particular incident was a good one. 

Home

I was driving home from work today. I have a 30 minute commute. It's beautiful. Lots of rolling hills, trees and farmland. I had a terrific day at work. I work in a cafe. I am 2nd line cook. I love it. I love who I work with (except one person). It's a good place to be. After a really good day today, as I was driving home, I realized how happy I am. We moved to Oregon, from Idaho, a year ago. It's been a year full of ups and downs. But we are finally at a place where we are happy. We love the house we are renting. We've met some really great people we call friends. I particularly love how green and wooded western Oregon is. I was overwhelmed with a real sense of "home". I wasn't sure I'd ever get there. But now I am...and I'm grateful.