Hindsight, Empty Nest, and Grief

Hindsight, as a mother, is something I struggle with now that my children are leaving the nest. I just don't know how we got here so fast. One day they were all little, running around barefoot in the backyard, playing with the dogs....the next day I am helping one of them move into their first apartment and saying good-bye to what was.

All I ever wanted to be when I was a child was a mother. I had dreams of having a large family. 8 kids was my magical number. :) Infertility took much of that dream away, but I was given 3 gifts...my son and my 2 daughters. I dove into motherhood with ferocity. I loved every moment. I cherished every hug and kiss and crayon colored love note. I made mistakes. I agonized over decisions. I cried. I hugged. I loved. I cheered and encouraged. I cooked and baked and sewed. I was there for every moment. And then one day led to the next and the next and now...they are all grown up and I am facing a deep abyss of loneliness.

I miss my children.

No, they are not far, no they are not lost. They are just not children. They are grown ups living their own lives in their own ways. I do not see them every day. I don't always hear from them every day. I'm very proud of who they have grown to be...but I miss them. I miss her laughter. I miss her playing the piano. I miss his quick wit and nutty sense of humor. I miss summers together and camping adventures. I miss the daily hugs and conversations while I make dinner. I miss helping them with schoolwork and showing them how to do things. I miss it all...every single moment I had when they were growing up. I miss it.

As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face and I'm blowing copious amounts of snot into Kleenex. For many of us, empty nest is a loss felt with enormous grief. I am grieving the loss of those precious years raising my beautiful children. I grieve the quick passage of time. It could have slowed down a bit. Then I begin to wonder if I cherished it enough....did I take the time I should have for each of them? Did I hug them enough? Did they get enough time with me one on one? Did I listen well enough? Did they get enough encouragement? Do they know, deeply enough inside of themselves, that their mother loves every last molecule of their being and thinks the universe revolves around them?

In hindsight, I know there are things I could have done differently. I see mistakes I made as flashing red lights of "oh shit, why did I do that?" Emotion kicks in and regret washes over me, then ration kicks in and reminds me that I'm only human and no parent is perfect. My husband keeps reminding me that no child could have asked for a better mother. I know in my heart that I loved each of my kids to the point of exhaustion sometimes. I wanted each moment of their lives to be wonderful. But why did it have to go by so quickly? I'm not ready! I'm not done! I was just getting started! I'm so wise and weathered! I could do it again and be even better at it!

All this to say, I am grieving. I cry a lot. I walk a fine line between letting her have her space and wanting to text her every moment of the day to see how she's doing on her own. I try very hard not to always wish him a "good day at work" too much. I try to take the moments I have with them and absorb it into my skin so it will last until they come by again. When they come over, I try very hard not to smother them with hugs that take just a few seconds too long. And at the very same time, I try not to smother the one remaining child in the nest. Clinging to her like a life vest. Grasping at time with her in a needy greedy way. I walk a fine line between crazy, clingy mom and healthy, easy-going, go-with-the-flow mom. It's a war inside my head as these 2 women duke it out for supremacy.

I don't really know where to go from here.